Thoughts from a restless mind

I am in a bad mood today - or maybe “bad” is poor choice of word. Perhaps a better word is pensive... Sometimes, when you are in a foreign country where no one speaks your language, you find yourself retreating into the recesses of your mind where thoughts run ramped and unchecked. They roll and break like great waves in a tempestuous sea; now racing, now crashing, now colliding into one another in a violent cacophony of sound and feeling. This is a sea through which no vessel could pass unscathed. 

I read a lot of books, watch a lot of movies, and listen to a lot of music, and if you really think about it, they all have something to say about what they believe the purpose of life to be. As James Thurber so poignantly put it, “To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other, and to feel. That is the purpose of life.” J.K Rowling bewitched us with tales of young wizards vanquishing evil whilst growing ever deeper in friendship, The Beatles swept the world away with their pop ballads, Katniss took down a corrupt dystopian society, Elizabeth Bennet learned that love is found in the most unlikely of places, and Tolkien’s fantastic character Gandalf the Grey solemnly encouraged Frodo from deep within the mines of Moria, “...so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” I recently read The Fault in Our Stars, and while I may not agree with everything John Green ever penned, no halfway intellectually thinking human being could deny that many of the thoughts therein are deeply profound. Among them is the following:

Hazel is different. She walks lightly, old man. She walks lightly upon the earth. Hazel knows the truth: We’re as likely to hurt the universe as we are to help it, and we’re not likely to do either. People will say it’s sad that she leaves a lesser scar, that fewer remember her, that she was loved deeply but not widely. But it’s not sad, Van Houten. It’s triumphant. It’s heroic. Isn’t that the real heroism? Like the doctors say: First do no harm.

The Hippocratic Oath; I know it well. But is that really the most important thing? To tread lightly upon the earth? To do no harm? Maybe. If you the alternative is to do harm, absolutely. But what if the alternative is just to do something? And in the end even Hazel, Hazel the grenade, Hazel who just wants do die quietly and minimize the damage she leaves in her wake, Hazel does something. Against all her level-headed judgements and resolutions Hazel decides to love. Hazel leaves a footprint.

I said decides purposefully. Attraction is a feeling, but love is a choice. So why do we decide to love? Why do we make the altruistic decision to love one other, stepping out onto the ledge and risking everything with no promise of our love being returned? My theory is because of God. He taught us how to love by first loving us, and loving others is the closest thing humans will ever have to loving God, whether they acknowledge it or not. I said that all the authors and directors and musicians endeavor to tell the world the purpose of life through their work, and I believe that regardless of genre, media, or plot that purpose finds its root in love. Good vs. evil, friendship, bravery... Love drives them all.

I have all of these worries that occupy my thoughts and time; how can I get into medical school? How can I do better at my job? How can I be more healthy? Where should I travel while I’m in Europe? The list goes on... But what am I doing with my brief time here on earth? Am I walking lightly upon it? Am I leaving a scar? When all is said and done, what can I do that is more important than loving people well? Not much. Perhaps I’m not slaying Voldemort, destroying the ring, bringing down the Capitol, curing cancer, or otherwise having what can only be described as an epic adventure. Or am I? Maybe I AM living the greatest epic of all time... Maybe if people would just wake up and realize they are living the epic, the extraordinary, they would find what it is their souls so deeply crave... So I choose to love. 

I’m fairly sure these thoughts aren’t original, but I’m not sure that that matters much. Even if these things have been pondered by countless people throughout the generations, both great and small, they are not any less true. Maybe they will drift into the void and bear no consequence for anyone. But no matter their fate, having written everything out and emptied my brain, at least my restless mind is quieted. 

With that, I bid you goodnight.